by Rob Perez

The Gift

Tis the season. The holidays are in full swing. There are parties and sweaters and decorations. There is music and lights. But at every step, I couldn’t help but notice one thing. Treats. Seasonal treats that seem to take up the entire kitchen counter. Cookies and cakes and pies and hot chocolate and room-temperature chocolate. There are treats in tins. Treats in wrappers. Daily treats in advent calendars. And did I mention the cookies?

I’m not against treats for your children. I’m just against treats for my children. You see, my children lack willpower. I believe they learned to eat cookies from Cookie Monster. My seven-year-old has frosting on both sides of her lips, sitting in front of a missing frosted cookie and, when pressed on whether she ate that cookie, she responds, mouthful: No.

That’s why, this year, we’re going to do it a little differently. This Christmas, instead of getting the teenager a new vintage vinyl with the rock-n-roll or the younger one a K-Pop Demon Hunters sweatshirt, I’m getting everyone in the house a continuous glucose monitor.

As you may already know, a continuous glucose monitor, or CGM, is a small wearable device that tracks your blood sugar throughout the day, updating every few minutes. This way, after every treat, I get a number associated with their blood sugar and glycemic spike, and I will know exactly how fervently to complain.

Anyone can complain. But with the help of a CGM, I complain with clinical, administrative precision.

As my family will soon learn, on a CGM, glucose is measured in milligrams per deciliter, the standard unit used to report blood glucose levels. Under 100 mg/dL puts you on the Nice List. 100–140 means you’re Mischievous. 140–180 puts you on the Naughty List. And anything over 180 means the Sugar is now in your Soul.

With this simple, inconvenient, and costly wearable, the whole family can now rank the treats.

TOP TEN HOLIDAY TREATS RANKED BY GLYCEMIC SPIKE

(from least offensive to worst)

10. Holiday Nuts (spiced or lightly sweetened)

Good fat and plenty o’ fiber. Nice List.

9. Eggnog

Thanks to the fat and protein, the sugar spike arrives late but, like that one neighbor after a few drinks, man does she linger. Mischievous.

8. Fruitcake

So dense it’s impossible to overeat. Mischievous.

7. Holiday Pie (chocolate silk, fruit, pecan, etc.)

Instead of eating, perhaps consider throwing it in someone’s face. (the holidays are about making memories) Naughty List.

6. Panettone, stollen, and other sweet holiday breads

The absence of fat makes these a higher glycemic spike than pie. Naughty List.

5. Peppermint bark

Chocolate tries to help. Sugar wins. Naughty List.

4. Frosted sugar cookies

White flour, sugar, and frosting! Sugar in your Soul.

3. Hot cocoa with marshmallows

Liquid sugar moves fast. Marshmallows move it to a sprint. Sugar in your Soul.

2. Candy canes

Almost pure sugar. Efficient delivery system. Sugar in your Soul.

1. Gumdrops, jelly beans, and candy

Pure sugar with no fat, no fiber, no brakes. Sugar in your Mind, Body, and Soul.

I’m not a monster. I’m not against treats—wholesale. I just think it helps to know what a full month of treats does to the body. A little holiday cheer is great. But many overdo it on the cheer. Not us. Not this year.

If we work together, I’m quite confident we can make it through yet another holiday season. Happy holidays.