by Rob Perez

The Hole Truth

Today someone informed me: You can’t eat rice that’s one day-old. Ever. You’ll get salmonella. Guaranteed. And I suggested, Well, isn’t fried rice day-old rice? I mean, I’m pretty sure. I’ve made fried rice many, many times. I always make it from day-old rice because I follow David Chang’s Lucky Peach recipe. David says the dryness is the point. So I start with day-old rice. Then I add fish sauce, sesame oil, garlic, onion. I cook the egg separately. Chives at the end. Everyone in my family enjoys it and, I believe, at least as of this morning, none have ever gotten salmonella. My source replied: YOU CAN’T EAT DAY-OLD RICE! IT’S ON INSTAGRAM!

I understand the desire to paint the world in black and white. Nuance is challenging. Nuance requires effort. Nuance requires actual thought.

I would much prefer a world where I could simply say: pickleball is dumb. And that was that. But the truth is more complicated. The truth is closer to: many people who play pickleball are dumb.

You see—nuance.

It takes longer. It requires calibration. It forces you to acknowledge exceptions. But nuance is less satisfying. “Rice can be dangerous if improperly stored” is true, boring, and not going viral. “You can NEVER eat day-old rice” is wrong—but it moves.

According to Instagram, history is mostly a series of lies we all agreed to tell ourselves until a zealous young man in a hoodie finally asked some tough questions—the right questions.

I mean, did you know Romans couldn’t figure out doors? That everyone born before the 1900s was afraid of weather? And that the pyramids were definitely not built by humans?

These used to be claims made at a bar, over a few drinks. With or without a twinkle in the eye. Now they’re dropped in pursuit of an algorithm that finds eyeballs.

Instagram also specializes in new science, which is science that’s new — but absolute. Also, it never includes a date, a source, or, well, science.

For any study showing a thing is good for you, there is an equally definitive study proving the exact opposite: kale is bad for you, chairs are bad for you, sunlight is bad for you—unless you look at these studies, which show that they are actually very, very good for you.

And luckily, we have Instagram to help us with our financial needs. Because there’s nothing I trust more than someone I’ve never met before asking for my money.

The latest thing to invest in is an AI-powered startup—no product yet, but did I mention it’s AI? There’s a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity that somehow comes around every three weeks. One guy is pushing gold—not to wear, just to have. And, of course, we wouldn’t be on the internet if someone wasn’t pushing a cryptocurrency whose name sounds like a joke, but really, just hear him out.

Instagram is also deeply interested in your masculinity, which involves eating meat (raw or cooked), hitting the gym hard to get swol, and following one specific guy who may or may not be on a cycle of steroids.

Instagram will tell you how to inhale. Exhale. To eat. Fast. To lift heavy. Rest. To sleep more. Or less. To take responsibility for your actions. Move on with your life. To be present. Plan for the future.

In short, Instagram will tell you how to live — and how to die. And though the many paths available are different, they have one thing in common. You must like and follow.

Which brings me back to rice. When someone tries to explain to me the truth about rice they saw on Instagram, I just think to myself: you know what’s been around longer than Instagram? Fried rice.