By Dorothy Rosby
dorothy.rosby@gmail.com

Well, that’s got to be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in an airport: A pacifier—with no baby attached—lying on the floor in the concourse. You know what that means: Somewhere there’s a baby with no pacifier attached…possibly on a plane! YIKES!

Then I hear the announcement: “If you’re traveling with an infant who does not have a ticket, please check your ticket for the infant-in-arms notification.” I think it should say, “If you’re traveling with an infant who does not have a ticket, please make sure you have a pacifier.” Or maybe even, “If you’re traveling with an infant who does not have a ticket, please consider driving.” I’m joking. I once traveled with a baby myself. I love babies, especially sleeping babies.

Now that I’m listening, I start to hear all the other airport announcements that could be improved upon, like the one that says “Don’t leave your luggage unattended. All unattended luggage will be inspected by airport police.” Frequent flyers would pay more attention if they’d add, “And won’t you be embarrassed to have them digging through everything you thought was important enough to bring on your trip.”

The most disturbing airport message is, “Passenger Joe Schmo! Flight number 1234 is now boarding at gate number 56. Doors will be closing in three minutes.” At least it’s the most disturbing message to Joe Schmo.

A minute later, it’s updated, “Joe Schmo, doors will be closing in two minutes.” I never want to be in Joe’s position, but if I am, I’d like a little encouragement. “Doors will be closing in two minutes. Run Joe Run! You can do it! We’re all rooting for you!”

And then they could tell the rest of us how it turned out. Some of us want to know. “Great job, Joe! We knew you could do it!” Then applause would erupt throughout the airport. Or, “Awwww! Door closed. Joe will have to make other plans. But what an effort!”

When they announce, “Jane Doe, please return to the security area. You left an item behind,” I wish they’d tell us what she left. I’m sure this announcement strikes terror into the heart of Jane Doe. It makes the rest of us check our wallets to see if we put our driver’s license back. To show empathy, they could add, “We understand Jane. It’s easy to get a little befuddled going through the security line. We’ve had people forget their shoes.”

The most annoying announcement is the one that says, “Now boarding whoop-de-doo, la-de-da priority first-class passengers.” Well, that’s not exactly what they say, but if they did, it would make the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Once on the plane, seasoned travelers become complacent and nervous passengers become even more anxious. I think it would help if flight attendants were a little more assertive: “Now listen up. Put down the book. Turn off the device. I give these safety instructions every day, and no one even looks at me. In the unlikely event that we land in Lake Michigan or the Great Salt Lake, are you going to know how to use your seat as a flotation device? I don’t think so. Now pay attention or I call the air marshal.”

Back on the ground, passengers hear that message, “Passengers on flight 622, your baggage will be placed on carousel 4, when it’s unloaded.” They could jazz that up by saying, “Your baggage will be placed on carousel 4…if we have it. Kidding! Just a little airport humor, folks.”

Dorothy Rosby is the author of I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better and other books. Contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.