by Rob Perez
Columnist

I’m not a doctor, but I’ve always admired people who start sentences like that and proceed to finish them anyway.

The reason I’m thinking about doctors is I’m thinking about the Hippocratic Oath. As oaths go, it’s alright. Do no harm. Now, some may say, isn’t that kind of a low bar? Yeah, but doing good is harder than doing no harm and, well, you have to start somewhere.

And the reason I’m thinking about the Hippocratic Oath is I just got home after a long day of what Mel Brooks would call work, work, work, and the cleaning lady’s been here.

This place is spotless.

Every counter is, well, something to see. Literally. Because it’s no longer covered with toys or shoes or stuffies or electronics or Amazon packages. Tonight my house is just counters as far as the eye can see.

I honestly didn’t know I had this many counters.

Normally, this is what we call a temporary state. The family walks in the door after a long day. We all look at the home we could have if we only had staff. We admire the place for about three seconds. Then we put down our bags and the spell is broken.

The children make it to the kitchen and, well, have you seen them eat? Let’s just say it’s not museum-quality eating. And have you seen them disrobe? It lacks a process. So suddenly the house has a teenager’s socks here. An eight-year-old unicorn costume there. Also, have you seen where The Wife put down her electronics? That’s okay. Neither did she.

Normally I don’t have to be precious. Normally the children are plenty of cover for me. I am but one squeaky wheel on a car with four. Normally I’m the neat one in this family.

But today, they’re out of town. So tonight, it’s me in my museum.

And I know the rules. We either eat out or host guests and pretend this is what our house normally looks like.

But I’m home. I’ve had a cocktail and I’m not eating out.

I have noodles and red sauce to reheat. The only problem is the red sauce. Although the noodles aren’t helping.

Which is why I now think they should give the Hippocratic Oath to more than just doctors. I think they should give it to me. Because I’d like to follow that oath right now. Except I don’t know how with noodles and red sauce.

This is a scratch kitchen. I made this red sauce from scratch. The Wife gets annoyed every time I ask her if she knows what a mirepoix is. Which is why I keep asking.

So, yes, I could put the noodles and red sauce in the microwave. But the microwave isn’t really for food. It’s for reheating coffee.

Besides, the herbs and vegetables in the sauce came from my garden. The only thing is I made it yesterday. And the thing I should mention about yesterday is that yesterday was before the cleaning lady came.

Have you seen what heat does to red sauce? Heat heats it up. And when red sauce gets hot, it bubbles. And bubbles pop, man. Today, popping bubbles of red sauce are about as close as you can get to the opposite of doing no harm.

And I don’t know how you like your noodles and red sauce but I like to finish mine with a little freshly grated Parmesan. I was also thinking about a glass of red wine.

Do you see how every single step in this process has enormous potential to do harm? Which is why I need to talk to Hippocrates. Now. And I need to know what the hell was in that oath.

Except I looked it up and found out that do no harm is actually not in the Hippocratic Oath. At all. Plus, it’s in Latin. So I’m totally on my own on this one.

Maybe I can get my calories from another cocktail?

Although, I mean, I’m not a doctor but a guy’s gotta eat. Right?

Right?